My moment of bravery...I think

Danyelle asked us to share our bravest moments. I have never felt particularly brave. I'm the kind of girl that enjoys taking the backseat. I enjoy the behind the scenes kind of action. Although in high school, I did love "flying". You know, being the cheerleader always getting tossed around and at the top of the stunt. LOVED IT! But I don't think that's the kind of bravery that really counts in this discussion. So I got to thinking. What have I done that required or tested my courage? And then it came to me.

Jacob has tested my courage and bravery more than anything in my life. So I wanted to share Jacob's story with you. I know most of you have heard this story so many times, but this is it. My one moment of courage, mixed in with a lot not so courageous and very frightened moments. Bear with me.

We moved into our home the day after Christmas, 2002. About a month later, I found out that we were expecting child number 3. I was so excited, plus we would have our own little "house warming present"! The next few months Heather and I commiserated with each other about morning sickness and other such pregnancy woes as we were due only a week or two apart. Around the 16 week mark I went to my OB appointment and they asked if I wanted to have the quad-screen test done. Oh, what the heck, the insurance is paying for it...why not!

The test results took longer than normal to come in and I started to worry. Finally I called my doctor and they assured me that everything looked fine, and they were sorry it had taken so long, but my doctor had forgotten to sign off on them, thus the wait. Feeling much relieved, I went on with my life. The five month mark hit without much fanfare, and we made our appointment for an ultrasound. I did not want to find out the sex of the baby this time around. We already had a girl and a boy, so I was ready to be surprised. Spencer however, really wanted to know, so we made a deal that he could look and I would just turn the other way. Yeah, like that would EVER work.

We went to the appointment with the usual butterflies, but not worried in the least. Why should we worry? The blood test showed everything was great. Let's go have a first look at our baby! The tech began looking for all of the standard stuff, but it didn't take long for her to find the problem. While looking for the baby's gender, she took an especially long time looking at the screen. Immediately, that sick feeling hit in the bottom of my stomach. Something was not right. My next clue came as she literally went running from the room. Um....hello? What is going on? My doctor rushed in about 8 seconds later and took a look for himself. By now I'm a complete wreck and Spencer is trying his darndest to keep my calm and assure me that everything's fine.

After Dr. M checks it all out he very gently and sensitively tells us that our baby has Spina Bifida. I can't even explain the shock that went through my body at that moment. It had to be a mistake right? I was more than faithful with my folic acid, and HELLO! the quad screen came back negative for everything including Nueral Tube Defects! How could this be? I don't know how long we sat there in shock, but eventually after explaining to us what exactly this was and that it was not my fault, the doctor allowed us to leave. Thankfully, he sent us down the back stairs so that I would not have to mess with billing or anyone else in the office.

My sister in law Monica was watching our kids for us, and when we got home, I think I mumbled some sort of thank you and promtly went to my room. I don't know how long it lasted, but I cried on my bed for what seemed like hours. I wanted to stay there. How could I possibly do anything else? I think Hannah and Josh came in the room a couple of times, and wondered why I was crying. I just remember thinking that life would be okay if I could just stay in that bed. I just lay there praying that this really wasn't true, because I COULD NOT do this.

This feeling lasted for a while until one day I was in the shower, and just completely broke down. I didn't know what else to do, so I prayed right there in the shower. I begged and pleaded for help, knowing that there was no possible way for me to do this on my own without His help. It wasn't anything flashy or big, but the answer came. I don't know exactly when but I felt this very calm reassurance that I COULD do this, that He would help me through the unknown of this situation, and I knew that I was being sent this very special child for a reason. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Suddenly I knew that even though this would be the biggest challenge in my life, that I would be okay, and that my baby would be okay too.

I of course had my worries. What would this child have to go through? How would this all effect our family? Would I be able to live up to the expecation and the trust that Heavenly Father was putting in me to be the mother of this little person? But with each question, came that reassurance again.

So we went on. The pregancy went well and we scheduled a C-Section in at UW Medical Center in Seattle. The surgery went well and Jacob was born with his usual gusto. He wanted everyone to know that he was here! And we ALL heard him loud and clear. They wisked him away into a clean room to reduce any risk of infection before his surgery at Children's Hospital. A little over an hour later, they brought him to me to say good bye before he went to surgery. He was beautiful. That was all I could think about. I then was sent to my room on the OB recovery floor to listen to all of the new momies and their brand new babies for the next four days to recover from my C-section...without MY baby. That was rough. Spencer popped in and out to check on me, but we both agreed it was more important for him to be with Jake.

Jacob's surgery to close up his back had gone remarkably well, and on the fourth day I was finally able to be released and hold and nurse my precious little boy. He healed well and was released from the hospital when he was ten days old. When we left we knew that there was a possiblity he would need to have a shunt placed to relieve the water pressure(hydrocephalous) on his brain. So when we was three weeks old, we trudged back up to Children's and he had the surgery for that little miracle wonder. We then found out that he had a double hernia in his lower abdomen, so he was scheduled for another surgery. Again, everything went smooth and we were finally home with our little babe. His most recent surgery was to correct his club feet around the age of 16 months. The top picture was taken shortly after that surgery, and you can tell he is in his casts.

Jake has been so blessed. Every doctor that we saw told us that he would basically be paralyzed from the waist down, and not to ever expect much from him. Wow, has he proven every single one of them wrong! I am so blessed to be his mother, and I thank Heavenly Father every day for him. I'm so glad that I had my one moment of bravery, because it really steeled me for the times ahead. I know now that we are so much stronger than we think we are. Heavenly Father knows that we can do it, and if we let him help us, then we can do anything we put our minds to. I firmly believe that now.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but I don't think I could shorten it if I tried. Thank you for allowing me to share this, it really brought back a lot of wonderful memories.