Okay, here we go again. It's been a while since I've posted about me crying in church, so apparently it's time.
Yesterday was Father's Day. It started out lovely. Hannah and I got up early and made Spencer his favorite breakfast, sausage, eggs and toast. He awoke to find a plate full of love in the form of cholesteral filled goodness. He loved it. We got ready for church and everything was okay, except that my children were in serious slow motion due to the fact that they had not gone to bed before 10:30 the previous 3 nights in a row. Yeah, summer's great. They get to stay up late sometimes, but man we mamas and papas pay dearly for it!
After Sacrament meeting, the Primary kids got up to sing a couple of sweet Father's Day songs to the dads, so of course Jake wanted to be in on the action. I took him up to the stand and kind of propped him against the inside of the little wall where all of the other 3-5 year olds usually stand. He can stand there if he hangs on to the wall. He was happy as can be to sing to his daddy. After the songs were finished, I waited a few seconds for some of the kids to clear out before going to get him. Right before I got to where he was, he broke into the biggest, most heartbreaking tears, saying that some boys had called him a baby. It broke my heart, and I started balling with him. So I'm trying to make my way through the people back to our seats, carrying a sobbing almost 4 year old, while crying my eyes out. I'm sure by the looks that I was getting, people thought I was nuts.
Jake told Spencer what happened as I tried to compose myself. Finally, a few minutes later after I got control of myself, I took Jake down to Primary. As I was helping him get into his chair, another mother came up to me and told me that it was her son that had called Jake a baby, and apologized. It would have been nice if her son had actually apologized to Jake in person, but I thanked her anyway. I was still feeling very emotional, so what did I do? I did my best impression of my 4th grade self, and went into the bathroom to have a good cry. What is it with me and crying in the bathroom?
Really, a little boy being called a baby? It happens all of the time right? Yes. I realize that other kids just don't understand. Of course they will think that he is a baby when they see him crawling around. Having a disability has never really gotten in his way before. He's always just figured out a way to do what he wants to do, and hasn't noticed so much that he is not able to do the same things as other kids. But recently, he has begun to notice his differences from other children. I know that he is going to have a lifetime of these differences, and that's okay. It is so hard, as his mother to watch these things happen and not want to take away his pain and struggles. I know that I can't. I know that these experiences will be hard for him, but I hope that I can help him through it, so that problems like this can actually make him a stronger person.
He's amazing to me. Sometimes, I don't know if I can do this. Being a mom is hard enough, but when you add disabilities to the mix...well it's just hard. It's hard work to be mom, but I would never want any other job, or to change the experiences that I've had with Jake. I know that he can teach me, and others. Hopefully when the next problem like this arises, I will be able to handle it a little better and not fall apart in front of him and everyone else.
16 Thoughts:
Ok, now you are making the tears flow here! My heart goes out to you and especially Jake. I too am slowly realizing how cruel other children can be!
It's interesting in our ward we have quite a few children with disabilities and we have such a small ward that all the children know that they are special and Heavenly Father picked them because of their strong spirit. I love seeing the primary children interact with these kids just as they would if there wasn't a disability there.
And I have to say that I am shocked the mother didn't help her son realize how special and strong Jake is. And what it would have meant to Jake to have this boy say sorry, and tell him that he was wrong, that in no way is he a baby!
I am always amazed at your strength as a mother, and if you need to cry in the bathroom sometimes, that's ok, what mother hasn't?! Just remember that Jake and Heavenly Father also picked you as the mother because of YOUR strong spirit!
I too cry in the bathroom! I'm sorry to hear that happened. Little kids can be so mean sometimes. Your boy is going to grow to be a very strong individual because of all he will have to go to. I'm sure he is going to have such an amazing character because of the trials he has to face. You too amaze me. Its unbelievable you have stayed so strong through all this. I'm not sure what I would do if I had to go through what you do. It is all future mothers fears. God has given you strengh though. That I can see. Your children look so adorable in that photo! Too cute!
I think we all feel as though we are compassionate people, but it's stories like this that make your heart hurt. I know that these difficult experiences are only going to make Jake an even stronger boy, and you an even stronger mom. Being the mom IS hard.
Tiffani, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I always worry that my kids will say something mean to someone with a disabilty or who is different. I try to teach them to never say mean things, but sometimes kids just don't use a filter.
I can only imagine how badly this hurts Jake and you when things like this happen. It is so hard to be the mom, and it is OKAY to cry. Maybe it will help the kid who was mean to see how badly those kinds of things can hurt others. A good teaching lesson for that parent, although I agree the child should have apologized to Jake himself. That would have really helped him learn a lesson.
Sorry for the long comment.
That is really sad- and I'm sorry you had to cry in the bathroom.
BUT You are doing a great job, and we all think the world of how STRONG you really are.
Tiffani, i don't know you but i ran across your blog and wanted to comment on your post. i have experienced alot of what you are going through with your son. my 7 year old daughter was born without the radius bones in her arms. because of this she has a different way of doing things with her hands/fingers. i can tell you from experience that things will get easier for you and your son. you will both be stronger in ways you didn't think you could. your son will be an inspiration to others(as i know he is already to you) some kids can be mean but most are kind and understanding. i applaud parents who teach their children that we are all different and to be respectful of others. i had a mom tell me one time that her little boy was commenting on my daughter.(they're playmates at school) she said that he told her(his mom) that my daughter didn't care what other people thought of her arm/hands, and that he thought that was neat. i was pretty proud of my little girl, and wish i could be more like her. she has also turned her "weaknesses" into strengths. she excels in writing, illustrating and swimming. the most important thing i've tried to teach my daughter is that yes, she's different, we're all different. but her unique hands can do some amazing things that many children her age(and older!) can't. i imagine your son has a strong upper boday and has and will develop his own talents because of his uniqueness. the tears will come less often and will only make you stronger. take care.
Oh gosh, I can't even see my computer clearly, my eyes are welling up with tears. I can't say anything better than what others have already commented or said. I know Natallie personally and she is a great friend and I love how she has strength and courage to get through her tough times, and I know that you do too. Tiffani, I'm sorry that this had to happen to you yesterday. I understand how some kids are different, and I want my children to understand that to the fullest degree if at all possible. Sydnee is different with what she can eat, so I know it's not as visible as Jake's, but I do know how hard it is to listen to parents. I want you to know that you are an amazing mom, you have great kids, and a wonderful husband and I just admire your strength and the faith that you have! Keep up the good work! Oh and I could always use a good cry, and this did it!
Wow, everyone else really did say everything!! Jake is such a special kid and his strengths are always going to outweigh any limitations he might have. He continues to impress everyone who meets him. I think you and Spencer do such a great job as parents, and I don't think Jake could have come to a stronger, more loving home.
Hey - I've been in your shoes and I know how hard it can be. It always hits me harder when someone teases Little Bug. The other two can defend themselves a little more... for example... when we lived in Oregon we got together with a bunch of friends. Suddenly I hear my oldest yelling at some of the kids and my Little Bug screaming. They had cornered Little Bug and were poking him with a broken golf club because they thought it was funny to hear him squeal (he has autism, can't talk, doesn't understand when you talk to him). My older son had come to his rescue, but we had to leave quickly because I was so angry and hurt and frustrated and the tears just fell. Every once in awhile there are moments where it just hits me - he's different. There are a lot of things he won't do in this life. And the tears roll. But, you're right. Being a mom to these little guys is the best thing in the world! I know I have learned so much. Sorry this is so long... just thought you'd like to know that you're not alone. Let the tears fall and then look at Jake's smile! If that doesn't cheer you up, I don't know what will! :)
You make me laugh (cholesterol-filled goodness).
I was touched by what you wrote. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be, and I really respond to that feeling of being so sensitive in regard to your children. Although my children aren't as old as yours, and I don't have disabilities in the mix, it has been amazing to me to experience the love that you feel for your children as a mother. It is a defensive, protective, miraculous, all-encompassing love. I heard Sis. Hinckley's daughter say once that she realized one day that she could only ever be as happy as her saddest child...I guess that's what all of us have signed up for for the rest of our lives, right?
When you said that you don't know sometimes if you can do this. You can. In fact, I am positive that you are the best mom for Jake, and for all your kids. You are a great mom and I think a good cry in the bathroom was totally warranted!
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. You're all so sweet and I really appreciate your kindness. This is why I love blogging!
I agree with everything that everyone has said. I just wanted to tell you about the conversation I had with my mom regarding this post of yours. I was hoping she could shed a little more light on this with experiencing things like this firsthand herself. She told me that first and foremost she wants you to realize that Jake chose YOU to be his mom. Don't doubt yourself. You love him, will protect him, will hurt with him, and be thrilled with him. It will get easier as he gets older as he will be able to accomplish more things. Don't forget that as he experiences this life that he will forever be teaching others. Like humility, patience, kindness. You won't even realize how many people Jake will influence in his lifetime for good. There will absolutely be those mean kids out there but hopefully the friends who truly love Jake and see what an incredible boy he is and help him will outweigh those hard moments. My mom said that when kids would ask my brother Jeff, "What's wrong with you?" His favorite response was, "Nothing. What's wrong with you?" They didn't know what to say to that and Jeff would just smile. I hope these hard times are few and far between. You really are an incredible mom!
Kim, I love your brother's response! I think we will have to teach Jake that one when he is a bit older.
Jake is amazing. I haven't been around him very much but was amazed determined he is. He is such a happy boy and his smile is contagious. You can just tell he has a personality that makes everyone want to be around him. Jeremy
Found you via a comment on cjane.
I have a disabled babe myself (now 9.5 yrs) and have now adopted another, so I SO get this post.
I have had days like that too. It DOES get better. Really, it does. It's been a long time since I had one of those days.
Ironically, our worst experiences have been at church. A few years ago, my dh and I went around to all the primary classes and explained Ethan's disablilty. Things got MUCH MUCH better after that.
Good news is: my boys are rock stars at school. Seriously, everyone LOVES them. I don't know what it is about pirmary. INTERESTING....
Anyway, feel free to drop by my blog or email me! I really really know how you feel!!
Thank you rochelleht. I agree, sometimes it seems like Primary can be the roughest. What's up with that? I like your idea about informing each class about your child's disability. I think I might do that.
I would love to check out your blog, but I couldn't find a blog link on your profile. I'm anxious to check it out!
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