Did I know?

Ten years ago, Wednesday, I found out that I was expecting for the first time. I still remember the feelings I had as I looked at the two lines on that pregnancy test. It's hard to believe that I've been on this journey of motherhood for 10 years. As I look back, I have to wonder, did I have any idea what I was getting into? Of course I had ideas and plans, and I knew I would never do this or that. (I've since learned that the old saying, "Never say never" is a good one!)

Did I know that this path of motherhood would be one of the hardest paths I've ever walked? Did I know that I would be driven to my knees in search of answers because I certainly wouldn't have them. Did I have any idea that throw up and poo are a part of daily existence for a mother? Did I realize that sometimes being called mom is a thankless job? As a person who thrives on praise (who doesn't?) would I be okay with that?

Did I know that I would be able to look into my children's' sweet faces and see the most beautiful of all of God's creations? Did I know that the highs of mothering are so high, you literally feel like you can sprout wings? On the flip side, did I understand that the lows of mothering make you wish to crawl under a rock, wishing desperately never to be seen again?

Did I realize the full impact for good or bad that I would have on my children's' lives? Did I realize that because of things I said or did, that my children would emulate those things whether I liked it or not? Did I have a full appreciation for the purity that comes with a brand new baby, literally fresh from Heaven? Did I know that I had as a God given gift, the power to mold and shape and teach this precious child?

Did I know that my temper would be pushed to limits that I had never dreamed of? Through my experience as a mother, would I finally be able to fully appreciate the sacrifices that my own mother had made for me? Did I know that I would undoubtedly let my children down from time to time? Did I have any idea just how much I could love?

As I think about the path of motherhood that I have taken over the last 10 years, from pregnancy, to birth, to raising these sweet children, I have to say that I didn't know anything. There are days when I still feel like I know absolutely nothing. I think about these questions, and I'm sure I had an idea about a few, but there are so many answers that simply don't come until you are facing that situation, and asking for help from above.

As the years have passed, I sort of got used to life as it is. My kids are growing, I am entering a new phase of motherhood. Come this fall, all three will be in school, and I will have a little more free time.... Once again, as in almost all of my mothering years, I was wrong. And grateful I am that I was! I completely feel like I'm starting over, but I am happy, and cannot wait to continue this journey with a new little one. Hopefully I'll know a little more than I did in the past, but I also am positive that this new little person will have many things to teach me, and we'll learn and grow together. As it should be.

Did I have any idea that I would love being a mother as much as I do? Even as hard as it can be? If I'm honest with myself, I know that I didn't have a clue. But I am thankful for time, and the way that it teaches us.

Last Sunday in Relief Society, we had a lesson on "Finding Divinity in Motherhood". I thought the wording was interesting. The word that stood out the most to me was FINDING. Some days, I have to look a bit harder to find that divinity in my calling as a mother. On those days when my children are fighting, when they're not as obedient as I would like them to be. On the days when I've been thrown up on too many times to count....those are the days when I have to dig a bit deeper and seek out that divinity, but it is always there.

To all who are mothers, wish to be mothers, and to the sweet mothers in my own life, I wish you a beautiful, and peaceful Mother's Day.